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Somedays…..

Welcome to my second post and a shitty day for me.   You know Things are so relative seeming but in reality they are actually pretty absolute.   For instance I live in the US in a reasonably comfortable rental property  And I have my privacy except when I get the occasional apartment crasher from my family, well not my whole family its almost always my mom  and she does that because she has not heard from me and she knows that I am struggling with some Chronic health conditions. Frankly I think its a bit of guilt as she knows my folks were a big part of bringing my health decline on me and that they are a big part of the problem of not taking proper action to help me get well sooner rather than later.  Or even more worrying to get well for certain as opposed to slowly decline. But trying to stay on point,  Today is a shitty day for me. I hurt all over and I just had some GI distress and its the middle of a beautiful summer.  Thank god I do have some audio book from some really great authors to keep me company,  and a working air conditioner.   I also know that I am spending a fair bit of money each month just to keep myself in managed pain with at this point  questionable progress.   It is days like the last few that make me in a mood that I know I should not attempt an objective assessment of my progress.  ON the other hand this is not my first really shitty day,  just the most recent one and it is really just being sick and tired of feeling sick and tired that is wearing me down like water on a rock.  But as the transcendentalists truly point out,  every serious difficulty comes with a silver lining of compensations like ever every nasty storm cloud.  While I am not exactly able to engage in appreciation of the small things today as my pain is ever present and all over me,  even in my mood.  but I am able to reflect on how I got here. as well as what I need to do to get through this time in my life.  But I am also to see the great follow that is how human beings interact with each other.   I see how the zen principal of relative limits working on all people everywhere.   I am grateful that with such a protracted lesson in pain and humiliation that I will never again need to be reminded when I am making mountains out of mole hills. That is actually a great lesson to be given.  I mean it is one thing to read or be told that,  but it is entirely another matter to be able have it seared into you as part of your emotional make up.   And by that I mean it becomes a part of some core ways reacting that protect you from wanting to be a winer. I am firmly convinced that it was this sort of pain that informed the lives of early american pioneers and then again our World War Two generation as well as a much more pro community educational system that made them the best generation.  All of them understood that in a free society service from the highest to the lowest was something that we should not make a law but rather a personal burden.  I also believe that as technology has made our lives so much more full of choice and freedom from random killers that used to strike commonly that has created the trend of the baby boomers who took for granted so many good things about American society  as un shakable traits as well as being inadequate and corrupt that made them make some huge mistakes in their influence and message on the generations that have come after them.  Do not get my wrong,  I am SO SO glad that racism and discrimination of minority races and women has been so powerfully confronted.  But I am equally dismayed at people not listening when their parents who were only doing the best they could passed down things that were not corrupt.  Things like honesty is essential and people who have been dishonest in their personal life should be to a degree held accountable.  That Marriage is work as well as enthatuation.   It is a sad day when people biggest pain to rail about is how hard it is to compromise in a marriage.  Especially given how many more choices both sexes have and how much longer they live and with much greater access to modern counseling that can teach to communicate,  negotiate, and to generally provide a gigantic tool box of concepts and behaviors that people can use to to keep their love fresh and strong as they day they were married if only they would expend the painful effort of internal work to become what they need to be in order to solve problems that arise in every persons life.   I think the best example of this sort of character decay can be seen in hollywood.   When people are so ruled by trying to capture the power and literally the high of being young,  physically flawless,  or at least physically their best self,  that they miss out on so many huge perks like the fact that so many of them eat not just well but truly great meals multiple times a week just as a part of their normal existence.   That they almost never need to feel fearful of government corruption taking what they have been given for their work,  even though they are compensated at a level that is so far above even the regular working person in the US  that in any other country it would certainly provide a great temptation.  I supposed I need to clarify I would  say these same things one can be grateful for in most of the western European countries as well.   But most importantly is you have an city and industry that is full of one of the worlds most privileged and pampered groups,  full of people who have won the Genetic as well as social lottery,   and yet none of them can seem to figure out how to be happy with a monogamous relationship.  And as a result you see these researchers trying to rationalize for them that really the human animal is a serial monogamist and not naturally a life time mate maker by nature.   Which is of course NOT settled science,  but rather a weak scientific attempt to explain the hedonistic gluttony that afflicts all trust fund babies and hollywood darlings. I do not want to give you the impression I condemn all of them,  I do not,  I just feel sorry for them and think they teach a valuable lesson.  Also I am aware that I am speaking terms of gross larger groups and therefore I am generalizing in a way that is wrongly describing a great number of people who live and work in hollywood.   But it does not take away from the larger point which is that you would think with more access to consultants and doctors for extreme designer comfort and self improvement that this should be one of the worlds happiest and most stable populations.    And of course they are not,  quite the opposite,     it is a den of vipers in many areas  and the people are unable to stay married even when they have made children.  I am sorry but that is just disgusting and I do not buy into those excuses about them living these gypsy lives that take them away from their mates and so forth.  The truth is that all these people are so addicted to being loved for their public image and acting market power,  that they put the activities that will maximize their careers and their thrill level ahead of their sacred vows of couple-hood and partnership.   There are some notable exceptions,  like Kevin Kline and Phoebe Cates.  I love how they would alternate between who was the active actor and who was manning the kids.  Also I loved on how they showed it was as simple as working very hard to not make their marriage one where the people grew apart.   How did they do that?   By going with the other person when one was shooting a movie on location.  Also both worked hard at finding other satisfying activities that they could do while they were the one taking the back seat to the other’s ambitions.  So far it seems that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are dong that,  though I am less certain there as Jennifer did dump one hubby to get an upgrade it seemed to me.  But I am willing to say so far they seem to be putting family first.   And even though have many political differences with Matt Damon, I really admire and respect how he one did not feel he had to marry a famous person,  and two how much he has loved on and protected from the public eye,  his current wife and his kids.   I mean I know what it is like to live in these circles to a degree.  I was the youngest in my family and my parents came from nothing to become the “it” couple in and industry that my dad was CEO of.  And it was at one point big enough that it was in the fortune 200 in terms of size.  I have met in casual settings at places like Aspen people like Jack Welch or other big named CEO’s.     I also went to school with some kids that were involved in hollywood or their parents were big wheels in hollywood.  Heck I even have an old dorm mate who is a major heart throb on top 5 networked television series.    My point is that i have some inside knowledge of what I am ranting about.  Money and fame is not the root of all evil but it sure can be if the person who has an open access to such things  does not now how and when to use them as well as how and when NOT to.   Money is the ultimate drug that can blow any personality problem up into monstrously large proportions until a person is forced to deal with it.   Fame can be even worse because I am not sure if getting a good room and a good table and sweetness to your face makes up for the amount of people who are fake and just waiting for an opportunity to cash in on their friends fame either literally or figuratively.  Money at least is a bit more tangible and can be controlled more.     But I am not trying to focus on hollywood people except as the really pure case of how too much privilege and access can make ones character weak as a kitten thus setting the stage for them to take a huge nose dive in their life.    But even worse is how you see it keeps these people from experiencing the deeper kinds of love that just sort of sneak up on regular folks who cannot just lose a boy friend and pier group in a weekend and have  A list replacements inside of a month.   Its the kind of love and attachment that comes from sharing uncertainty together and being with someone in a supportive no matter what sort of way that suddenly will blossom these amazing feelings of love that simply will not arise any other way.   And to get to that level takes humility and work.  I personally and very saddened by this new atheist movement. It is so strange to watch religion go from being in my mind  a bit TOO entrenched  and never questioned to being tossed aside along with the notion of faith and a personal relationship with the divine.  But with science and technology producing such amazing things like Ipads and the internet and increasingly amazing medical solutions I totally understand how people can listen some of the atheist evangelists talk about the evils of religion, not separating out organized religion from a personal faith,  or ever mentioning the good tinges that religion has been responsible for.    I am so tired of that quote that more people have been killed in the name of religion than any other reason.  I will not dispute that fact,  though I am not sure of it’s validity,   I would grant that religion has been the disguising clothing for any an ugly brutal human intention through out history.  But again we forget in america, that is why we have the separation of church and state.  Not to protect us from faith but to protect us from religious institutions run by flawed men that aspire to make their church a political force.  And unfortunately  it is only the literal or extremist people of faith that are put out there as the example of a typical person of faith.  I was brought up in a very sophisticated non literal apolitical version of christianity.  It was in a church that I think had as many liberal democrats as it did conservatives.    Another group that unfairly gets a bad name by the way,  the conservatives.    But my point is that my church could easily be said to represent most of mainline Christianity and within that segment of Christianity there is a fierce debate about how to handle homosexuality from the stand point of what the bible says.   For myself,  I am very much in favor of the following: one allow them to get married legally and also allow churches and pastors to be free to make up their own mind as to whether or not they want to anoint homosexual unions in a church or not.  But for the sake of the law and for the sake of past values and traditions that have served this country well,  allow there to be an interim step of fully sanctioned legal marriages that are called civil unions and then let the various religious institutions get behind what ever it is they think is moral and proper.   Also I think it is fine to continue the phenomenon that are these populations of human beings that do not easily fit  in old school categories of sexual preference and sexual identity.    Be supportive of transgender, and homosexual/Lesbian relationships that want to simply live a committed conventional life in all other respects.  Heck if I was gay i would love that i do not necessarily have to think bout all the legal risk and baggage that goes on with being a married person,  especially in these days when promises are made as quickly  as lunch orders and broken even more casually.  But I also know that until we can show that there is some inherent harm that out weighs a persons rights,  then we must embrace this change in convention.   I also think it is not racist or prejudiced to then allow for some social scientists to study how our society is affected and also let the country see how things go without the big divisive  issue between people who are otherwise not in any sort of fight with the hetero-population.  Who knows I can see some homosexual couples who have had to fight for marriage be the very people to show a soft and lazy american public what it means to work to stay together.   LOL so today is a shitty day so I guess I have decided it gives me license to tumble from on subject to the other like a rambling pain patient.   But my original offshoot point was that as  person who has been properly chastened by constant pain the limits the kind of activities and the people I can form relationships with,  it does also give me the ability to have a kind of clarity of being able to easily see what it is this small stuff to not sweat and what are the pleasures in life that so mangy over look,  and in fact I would dare say that you can make  a mathematical law that illustrated the relation of privilege and pampering to  the likely hood that a person is not going to be able to enjoy the more important but smaller aspects of being  alive.     It would be the more you depend and set up your life to need unusual comfort and adulation  in order to just feel OK,  the more you are setting yourself up to be run by your need to chase down and secure that lavish privilege and in the process you will become numb to so many things that are a joy in and of themselves because you take them for granted.   As a result your life becomes full of more stress not better.    I think that one can have privilege and fame and avoid this trap,  but t requires certain choices and having been given this emotional gut level belief that I have been lucky enough to be given through the application of all this pain and disappointment.    I am not saying you need to go through what I have to get there,  I am simply saying that is part of my silver lining in this dark cloud of suffering that I have been living with for ever.   But for me — today is just much more of a dark day rather than one that I can appreciate the silver lining.  SO to talk to myself I will sum up this little talk with myself as oh well SUCKS TO BE  ME TODAY.  but thats OK   I could be in some war torn third world country with no family,  or not dependable family and no access to information,  so I do not even have the luck of having access to all these concepts that would help me make my pain there intelligible so that i could bring some meaning to it.  One has to remember that living in the western world,   ever day is a lottery winning day in many respects.    And I do know that all the way down to the soles of my shoes,  but sigh………sometimes I just get so weary you know.      I hate being alone in this too,  but honestly I cannot ask anyone to come in and be a part of my life given the stufff I have to focus on now.  the worst thing about being in my situation is how constrained you in being able to give to others in the ways that you would like.  Not that I cannot give,  in fact I do give, all the time.  I try very hard to be a boon to all my goodfriends that have stuck with me through this period of my life and to not suck any of them into my issues to the point where I am being some codependent winer that is trying to ask them to do my work for me.   And I am proud of all that but that sense of dignity is no replacement for a little tenderness and closeness that I could count on.    SIGH… but that is the way it is and no one ever said life was fair,   but its interesting.   Ok I am tired now after all my blabbering which I apologize ahead of time for as I have not done one bit of editing or formatting on.    Perhaps I will clean it up some later.  or  perhaps not.   I do not care.  this is mainly for me.  I will be genuinely shocked if anyone ever takes any sort of interest in any of this,  but I will deal with  an audience if I ever get one.

Welcome to the Barber shop where I shear away all my personal thoughts with the hopes of unburdening myself.

So I am just diving in with very little work to understand the platform.   I will eventually learn more and more about this platform but I mainly just wanted a place to put thoughts out on the net to get them off my chest.  I am doing zero work to attract attention or to monetize this particular Blog as it is really a test bed and  a place where I can both have some entries show that I can write  as well as others that show I can rant and refuse to edit and make perfect until I see fit.  If I ever see fit.  One thing I can promise those few who do step onto this site is that I will be sincere, candid and share things here that I am not likely to share to people I do not know anywhere else.  I am not saying that I am doing anything incriminating or juicy in my life.  In fact truth be told my life is in a holding pattern that it has been in for a long while.   You might catch on to bits and pieces of some of  my inner emotional struggles or thoughts on various family members.  I am fine with comments,  I would only hope that by putting this blog in a very very quiet place with an obscure name that I will not attract 15 to 17 year old trolls.  I do  not mind criticism or commentary so long as it is intended to do more than simply be an irritant.  But lest trolls think I will be truly bothered,  if they come and try to be a presence I will simply say,  wrong.  I am an examine and I have seen more violence than anyone should see so I know it is nothing more than human beings acting like ugly violent chimps and foregoing their god given right to be something more.  To live as a human being with soul and creativity.  I reserve the right to ban anyone or filter comments in any way at any time for any reason that I want.   But I want to let those know with honest intentions of legitimate engagement that I am open to engagement by people who do not agree with my thoughts.  In fact I think its quite likely I may rant some things that later I will end up taking back upon reflection.  That is the purpose of this blog  really,  to create a semi-public forum that offers the opportunity for those with the time and inclination to respond to any of my comments.  Well I think that is about it and I do not feel like going through and editing anything now so I apologize if this welcome page seems sloppy at the moment.  I promise to add to it as well as to edit it as time and inclination serve.   It ought to be interesting to see if this gets noticed at all.   But I will be happy to just put my thoughts out on the net as well as create a series of writing samples for some real basic corporate blogging.

 

Let my game of public solitaire begin.